turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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