i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
