I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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