and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
