dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize