my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize