My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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