Kareoke will never be a sober sport
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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