Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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