This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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