worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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