I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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