Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's official drugs can't kill me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
