OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
