Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
