think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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