that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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