She is in my trunk
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize