Have you finally orgasmed yet?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
