I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
