Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
