i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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