how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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