Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Randomize
