Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
