the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
