Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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