Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
