everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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