Got a toothbrush?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
