Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
