Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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