I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You left your phone here
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