you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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