apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
