Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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