Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
