i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
