u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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