You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
