I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
