This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
