I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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