i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
