y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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