Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
soo... how was my night?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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