I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize