Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
