It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
