no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize