I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
