Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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