i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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