and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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