Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
