people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
