Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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