I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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