I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm both gender and math confused
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
