I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
