apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
