last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dicks are not precious.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
