Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
