so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
